How to Bring Intimacy Back in a Marriage with 7 Real Ways to Reconnect
It’s not always easy to describe when something changes between you. You might still function well as a team. You might still care deeply for each other. But the closeness feels different. The warmth and desire you once had are harder to reach or even feel completely out of reach. You catch yourself wondering how to feel close again, or how to bring intimacy back to your marriage without it feeling forced.
The disconnect might show up in small ways. You stop reaching for each other. You talk, but don’t really connect. The pauses get longer. Sex feels distant, mechanical, too infrequent, or disappears altogether. You’re still in the same life, but not fully in it together. And after a while, the silence starts to feel louder than the words.
Distance like this rarely shows up all at once. It happens slowly, buried under routines, responsibilities, and the conversations that never quite happened. When intimacy fades, it doesn’t have to look like conflict. Sometimes it looks like politeness. Parallel lives. A sense of being alone, together.
If that sounds familiar, your relationship isn’t necessarily beyond repair. Intimacy rarely returns all at once, but it can begin again in quiet, ordinary moments. A small act of care. A touch. A moment of honesty. Sometimes it starts slowly. Sometimes it starts with noticing that you still want it.
There’s no one way back into connection. For some couples, it begins with rebuilding emotional closeness and feeling seen, heard, and safe with each other again. For others, it starts with gentle physical touch or finding comfort in being near each other. A true connection between spouses is both emotional and physical. And depending on where you feel the most distance, one may be easier to work on first.
3 Ways to Feel Close Again Emotionally
For many couples, emotional connection is the foundation that makes everything else feel possible again. Without it, affection can feel performative, and attempts at physical intimacy fall flat or go unnoticed. If you have been trying to figure out how to bring intimacy back in a marriage where things feel distant or tense, this is often the most accessible place to begin. Rebuilding emotional closeness can help you feel safe with each other again. You will stop feeling simply accepted, or worse, merely tolerated. Instead, you will know you are seen, heard, and chosen.
1. Stay Present Even When It’s Hard
One of the most overlooked ways to bring intimacy back in a marriage is to stay emotionally present, especially when it would be easier to retreat, shut down, or try to fix.
Emotional intimacy only grows when each of you feels safe enough to be honest, even when the truth is difficult. As the distance between them grows, many couples develop a habit of one partner opening up and the other rushing to explain, correct, solve, or walk away. Even when the intention is good, it can leave the other person feeling alone in what they are trying to share.
Sometimes the moment is small. A sigh in the kitchen. A half-hearted “I’m fine.” A glance that lingers just a little too long. These aren’t dramatic requests. They’re quiet signals, what John Gottman, PhD, calls bids for connection. How you respond to these subtle cues, especially when you are tired or unsure, shapes whether your partner feels emotionally safe with you or quietly alone.
You do not need the perfect words or to get it right every time. What matters most is that you are present with your spouse. It might sound like, “Can you tell me more about that?” Or “Do you want to talk about it, or would it help to just sit together for a minute?” It might look like choosing to sit down instead of leaving the room. It might also be choosing not to interrupt the silence your partner needs to gather their thoughts or emotions.
What matters is letting them know they do not have to feel or experience whatever it is alone. Over time, these small, ordinary responses can increase the feeling of safety, which, in turn, encourages emotional intimacy.
2. Say Something Honest
When emotional intimacy fades, most couples stop talking about what is really going on. Silence becomes natural. You stop saying what is bothering you. You brush off things that matter. In other words, you keep the peace by keeping things in. Distance like this makes it really difficult to feel connected.
Emotional closeness comes from being real with each other. Being real does not mean being perfect or always agreeing. Being honest with your spouse might mean telling them about something you miss in your relationship. Admitting when you feel off. Or saying, “I’ve felt a growing distance between us, and I’m not sure how to change it.”
Telling your truth is simply sharing something small and honest that lets your spouse into your world again. Intimacy can grow when each of you can show up exactly as you are and respect each other while doing so.
3. Protect Time for Each Other
In long-term relationships, time has a way of disappearing. From a day-to-day perspective, you still share a life that probably includes meals, errands, and responsibilities. But the time that used to be just for the two of you to spend time together has disappeared or is simply ignored.
If you’ve been trying to figure out how to bring intimacy back in a marriage that feels stuck or tense, protecting time together is essential. Emotional closeness doesn’t happen when it is squeezed in. It needs to be intentional and planned.
You do not need to plan anything elaborate. Together time can be as simple as taking a walk together without your phones, having an hour of adult conversation after the kids are in bed, or spending a weekend morning together instead of dealing with the never-ending list of chores.
When you give your relationship real time, even in small ways, you can more easily build and strengthen emotional connection.
3 Ways to Rebuild Physical Closeness
For some couples, the lack of physical closeness is their biggest issue. If this is you, it can mean that you stop touching. Even simple things like holding hands, sitting close, and brushing past each other are gone. Sex has become something you avoid or that feels mechanical. It starts to feel easier to avoid trying to connect physically than risk getting it wrong or feeling rebuffed.
Physical closeness is about more than sex. It’s about affection, comfort, and the sense that your body is respected and still matters to the person you love. If this physical part of your relationship feels shut down or tense, there is often a way to shift that.
If you have been wondering how to bring intimacy back in a marriage where even a small touch feels strained, these four practices can help you reconnect.
4. Start With Small Gestures of Affection
When intimacy leaves a marriage, affection is often the first thing to go. Affectionate touch is about connection, not sex. It’s how you let each other know, I still like you. I still see you. When those simple signals disappear, everything else can start to feel colder, more distant.
If you’ve been trying to figure out how to bring physical intimacy back to your marriage, this is one of the simplest places to begin. You could start with a hand on their back, a longer hug, or sitting close enough that your knees touch. Any simple touch, without expectation, can begin to shift the atmosphere between you.
For many couples, gentle affection is the most natural way to start rebuilding physical connection.
5. When One of You Has Low Desire
When one spouse has a lower desire, it’s easy for both of you to feel stuck. One feels unwanted. The other feels broken or pressured. They may even feel frustrated that their libido has been buried under exhaustion or resentment. Conversations about sex start to feel tense, so you avoid them altogether.
Luckily, a low desire does not mean the end of intimacy. For many couples, desire begins to return when emotional safety returns. That means focusing on comfort, presence, and simple closeness, without expectations. (See 4. Start With Small Gestures of Affection for more details.)
6. Get Curious About Each Other Again
Like everything else, physical intimacy changes over time, but many couples stop talking about it. You might assume you already know what your partner likes. Or you might avoid asking because things have felt awkward or disconnected.
The closeness that makes up physical intimacy does not come from guessing. It grows when you stay curious about what feels good now, what’s changed, and what’s missing. You might be surprised by what you learn about your spouse and yourself.
You don’t need a big conversation—unless that’s what you both like. You can simply ask in the moment, “Do you like it when I do this?” or “Would it feel good if I touched you like this?” You can also ask outside the moment, “Is there anything you miss?” or “What would help you enjoy our sex life even more?”
When touch feels awkward or out of sync, trying to figure out how to bring intimacy back to your marriage can be confusing. If you start by being curious, you will likely find it to be one of the most respectful ways to reconnect physically.
The Practice That Brings It All Together
Emotional and physical intimacy are shaped by the atmosphere you create between you every day. The way you handle interruptions or stress. The small, repeated choices to stay engaged or drift apart.
When that tone is warm, responsive, and respectful, closeness has a place to grow. Without it, even meaningful efforts can start to feel awkward or forced.
This final practice is a way of relating. It’s something that makes connection possible in the spaces of everyday life.
7. Create a Daily Atmosphere of Intimacy
Intimacy lives in the little things. A kind word. A shared glance. A thank-you said like it matters. These gestures require intention, but not any extra time. They are based on consistently choosing to create an environment of safety and love.
These small choices remind your partner that they matter to you, and you want to feel close to them.
Over time, this kind of atmosphere softens the space between you. It makes affection feel natural. It makes conversation easier to start. And it becomes the steady ground where emotional and physical closeness can return.
Bringing intimacy back in a marriage happens in the quiet, steady ways you begin to turn toward each other again. In a hand that lingers. A conversation that goes a little deeper. A shared moment that reminds you connection is still possible.
If things feel distant in your marriage, there is hope. With enough safety and care, Intimacy can return, usually slowly and unevenly.
Pick one small place where you feel some openness and begin rebuilding the connection between you and your spouse.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
