How to Overcome Resentment in a Relationship
Does your partner seem more like a stranger than your beloved? If so, it’s likely that resentment has stealthily snuck into your relationship. Left unchecked, it can cause significant damage. Luckily, you can overcome resentment in your relationship and make your connection stronger than ever.
How Resentment Builds
Unmet expectations are a significant source of resentment in relationships. We all have expectations, whether spoken or unspoken. When our expectations are not met, disappointment can quickly turn into resentment.
For example, if you expect your partner to help with household chores and they consistently so not, you might start feeling disappointed, and perhaps even unimportant and unequal in your relationship. Over time, these feelings of disappointment can transform into bitterness and resentment.
Resentment can also grow from unresolved conflicts. Although it might seem that avoiding conflict is preferable to working through it, this is actually the fertile ground that resentment needs to take root. When problems are not addressed, the underlying feelings don’t disappear. They go underground, only to emerge later with more intensity. This is also the genesis of a cycle of conflict avoidance which can increase emotional distance and misunderstandings.
The final major source of resentment in a relationship is feeling unappreciated. When your efforts go unnoticed or your contributions are taken for granted, it is normal to experience a sense of imbalance and unfairness. Without addressing feeling unappreciated, you can start to feel resentment toward your partner.
Signs of Resentment in a Relationship
Because resentment can so stealthily sneak into a relationship, you must be able to recognize it before it grows too large. Ask yourself the following questions to see if you are harboring resentment:
Are you frequently irritated by your partner’s habits or actions, even the small ones?
Have you been withdrawing emotionally and physically by avoiding meaningful conversations or physical affection?
Are you engaging in passive-aggressive behavior, such as making snide comments or giving your partner “the silent treatment”?
Do you take special note of your partner’s mistakes and use their errors against them in arguments?
Have you experienced a loss of intimacy, leaving you feeling disconnected from your partner?
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes that unresolved resentment can lead to “stonewalling”, where one partner withdraws emotionally, making it difficult to resolve conflicts and maintain a healthy relationship. This emotional withdrawal can create a cycle of negativity, where issues are not addressed, leading to more resentment and further withdrawal.
Addressing and Overcoming Resentment
Fortunately, you can uproot resentment and create a healthier, happier relationship by taking proactive actions.
Communication is Key
Open, honest communication is a requirement for resolving resentment. This means you each need to share your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame.
Seek Understanding
Resentment can make it difficult to hear with your heart. Yet empathy is exactly what it takes to remove resentment. This means you must consistently try to understand your partner’s perspective and encourage them to understand yours.
Address Issues Early
You must decide to tackle issues head-on as they come up instead of letting them fester and become big problems. This prevents them from snowballing into resentment.
Practice Forgiveness
Holding onto grudges only fuels resentment. Practicing forgiveness, both for your partner and yourself, can transform your relationship.
Remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning the poor behavior, it just means that you are choosing to move forward and release yourself from the bonds of hurt.
Show Appreciation
Make it a point to recognize and appreciate your partner’s efforts and contributions. Small gestures of gratitude can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and reducing feelings of resentment.
Seek Support
Sometimes, the resentment in a relationship can be very deeply rooted. In these cases, working with a relationship coach or attending a private marriage retreat to work through deeper issues can dramatically improve your relationship.
Overcoming resentment in a relationship is possible. Many couples have faced similar challenges. They chose to rebuild their communication and connection which uprooted the resentment. So, if you and your partner make the same choice, you can begin your journey to creating a better, more fulfilling relationship.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
