What to Do When You Feel Disconnected in Your Marriage
You used to talk for hours. Now, most conversations revolve around schedules, bills, or what to watch on Netflix. You no longer feel connected. And you begin to wonder what’s happened to your marriage. Can you get the deep connection you once had or is it simply impossible to regain?
The distance between you didn’t just suddenly appear. It happened gradually and subtly. You assume it’s just a rough patch. But then, the distance grows. Conversations feel surface-level. Physical affection fades. You stop sharing the little things, and before you know it, you feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
If you’re feeling disconnected, you’re not alone. Every long-term relationship faces moments of emotional distance. Fortunately, disconnection isn’t a sign that love is gone. It’s a signal that your relationship needs attention. And with the right steps, you can rebuild emotional intimacy and feel close again.
How Disconnection Sneaks In
Maybe your disconnection looks something like this:
You both come home from work exhausted. Dinner is a blur of kid chaos, emails, and half-hearted conversation. By the time the dishes are done, one of you is scrolling your phone, the other is watching TV. You tell yourselves, We’ll connect later. But later never comes.
Sound familiar?
Emotional disconnection can stem from many things:
- Busy schedules and stress from work, kids, and responsibilities can take over, leaving no time for each other.
- Unresolved hurts can create emotional walls due to resentment.
- Lack of emotional safety can cause a fear of conflict instead of constructive communication.
- Different love languages can cause disconnect because the love expressed isn’t understood.
- Technology and other distractions can take your time away from your partner and building connection in your marriage.
This is by no means the complete list of why you might no longer feel connected in your marriage. However, this list may give you insight into how the distance was created and has grown between you and your spouse.
Noticing the Warning Signs Before It’s Too Late
Disconnection doesn’t always come with a big red flag. It’s usually much less flashy.
Some signs you’re no longer connected in your marriage:
- Conversations feel transactional and don’t consist of much more than schedules, chores, and responsibilities.
- You stop sharing deeper, more personal things like joys, fears, and dreams.
- Physical touch like holding hands, spontaneous hugs, or even sitting close feel unnatural or forced.
- Date nights and shared laughter are a thing of the past.
- Avoiding each other is easier than trying to communication.
At first, it might just feel like life is getting in the way. Left unchecked, these small cracks can turn into deep emotional distance. But you can rebuild your connection.
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
Rebuilding emotional intimacy requires small, consistent moments of connection, not grand gestures.
Create Micro-Moments of Connection
It’s not unusual for couples to tell me things like, “We used to be affectionate, but now even a simple hug feels awkward.”
My advice? Start small.
- Sit closer on the couch.
- Hold hands for a few seconds.
- Give your spouse a quick kiss before leaving in the morning.
Physical touch releases oxytocin which is the bonding hormone. Even small moments of affection help remind your brain: This is my person.
Talk About the Right Things
If deep conversations feel hard, start with one simple question every day. You might choose to ask something like, “What was the best part of your day?”
John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, calls these bids for connection. These are small moments where we reach for each other emotionally. The more we respond to them, the stronger our bond becomes.
Make Time (Even When You’re Busy)
Another common statement I hear from couples who no longer feel connected in their marriage is, “We want to reconnect, but we don’t have time for date nights.”
Life is full, and busy, and stressful. But connection doesn’t require hours. It just requires intention.
Here are some intentional ways to connect that don’t take hours:
- Five-minute morning check-ins (no phones, just eye contact and a simple “How are you?”).
- A short walk together after dinner.
- A weekly coffee date at home or out.
Small, intentional moments bring back closeness faster than big, one-time gestures.
Shift from “Fixing” to Just Being Present
You don’t have to fix everything. Sometimes, your partner simply needs to feel heard.
Instead of jumping in with solutions, try saying:
- “That sounds really frustrating. I’m here.”
- “That must have been tough. Tell me more.”
Listening without fixing creates emotional safety, which naturally brings you closer. (Here’s a humorous reminder about shifting your perspective from fixing to listening.)
What If One of You Has Already Checked Out?
If you believe your spouse doesn’t care about the distance between you, there’s still hope.
Rebuilding connection in your marriage can start with you.
I’ve seen couples come back from the brink and fall back in love again because one person started making small, intentional changes. When you begin making the effort to engage differently, your partner will likely respond over time.
But if the walls feel too high, seeking help is OK. A therapist, couples counseling retreat, or even a guided conversation with a relationship coach can break the cycle.
One Small Step Today
You don’t need to overhaul your marriage like turning on a light switch. All it takes is one small shift that you make today.
Here are 3 simple things you might try:
- Ask your spouse one thing about their day and listen with your full attention.
- Reach for their hand and hold it for just a little bit.
- Put down your phone during your next conversation.
Small moments, repeated over time, create deep connection.
You’ve reconnected before. You can do it again.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner, Dr. Jerry Duberstein, to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
