Bored in Marriage? How to Reconnect and Enjoy Being Together
You’re folding laundry or scrolling on your phone while your spouse sits in the same room. Things are fine. You feel a companionable comfort in your marriage. But you are also wondering if what you are really noticing is that you’re bored in your marriage.
After all, it has been a long time since you truly laughed together. Not at a meme. Not at something your kids said. But with each other.
You still love your spouse, and you are still committed to your marriage. Yet something is different or flatter than it used to be. Things are OK, but you wonder if this is just how marriage is supposed to feel or if something is wrong. You begin to wonder and fear you will spend the rest of your life feeling disconnected from the person you are supposed to feel closest to.
The boredom you are feeling is fairly common. And it does not have to be permanent. It is possible to reinvigorate your marriage.
Boredom Has Your Attention. Now What?
It might be telling you that you crave a deeper connection or more shared joy with your spouse. It might signal that your routines are to-do listing your marriage into a dull, lifeless business arrangement, or that they have introduced resentments.
Feeling bored in your marriage might also be telling you it’s time for personal growth or change.
It can feel easier to stay where you are than to act. But choosing the status quo carries its own risks.
What Staying Stuck Really Costs
It can feel easier to live with feeling bored in your marriage than to disturb what feels stable. After all, your life is full, and your marriage is not in crisis. The problem is that the trajectory you are on is definitely not leading to happily ever after.
And over time, the distance will increase, and the closeness you once shared will slip beyond reach. Conversations become surface-level. The small moments of laughter and warmth that used to connect you will slip away. In other words, you feel disconnected in your marriage.
You may find yourself feeling alone even when you are together. You might begin to wonder if this is all marriage has to offer, or if you are quietly growing apart from the person you promised to walk through life with.
Staying stuck is not neutral. It is not just a season to be weathered. Choosing to stay stuck will continue to shift your marriage from a place of connection and partnership to something that feels more like managing a household together.
The cost of staying stuck may be your truth. It may also be the promise your life and your marriage held for you when you said, “I do”.
Ready to Show Boredom the Door?
Luckily, grand gestures are not required to rebuild connection with your spouse. You can start with small, intentional choices to stop feeling bored in your marriage.
The Gottman Institute describes these everyday acts of “turning toward” as bids for connection. These are moments when one spouse reaches out and the other responds positively. It might be hard to believe that little things can keep your marriage vibrant, but Dr. John Gottman’s research illustrates this is all it takes.
So, look at the following as simple opportunities to make different choices in how you experience your marriage, even if your spouse is not quite ready yet to do the same.
Choose Curiosity Over Assumption
Assumptions are easy. You think you know what your spouse thinks, feels, or wants, so you stop asking. Over time, these assumptions replace real conversations. You may even fall into the trap of familiarity breeding contempt. However you get there, you ultimately wind up no longer being curious about each other.
The way out of this is to begin asking questions you have not asked in a long time. What are they excited about? What do they need more of right now?
And remember, when you are curious, you do not have to agree with their answers. The whole point is to learn about each other again.
Create One Moment of Connection Each Day
It may have taken you years to reach the point of being bored in marriage. Luckily, you do not need years or even contiguous hours together to rebuild the excitement and interest you once shared. All it takes is determination and small connections every day. These may look like a kind word, a genuine compliment, or a shared laugh.
At first, creating these connections may feel awkward, especially if you have developed parallel routines. But choosing to reach out, even in small ways, will begin to shift the pattern.
Invest in Your Own Growth
Sometimes boredom in marriage is so much about your relationship as it is about your own life. When you stop growing, it’s difficult to bring energy and perspective into your marriage.
If you suspect that you need something more from your life, it’s time for you to do something that helps you grow. Move your body. Learn something new. Spend time with people who inspire you or in places that inspire you. As you grow, you will bring fresh energy into your marriage and remind yourself that you are a whole person, not just a participant in your relationship.
If you are courageous enough to accept that feeling bored in your marriage is just a wake-up call, then you will be able to begin reinvigorating your marriage.
However, some find they need a bit more support and choose to work with a relationship coach, therapist, or even invest in a private, couples retreat to speed up the process of rebuilding their relationships.
However you choose to recreate your relationship, know that consistency and curiosity are key.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
