Why Emotional Neglect Happens in Marriage (And How to Heal Together)
You share a home, a bed, maybe even a family—but somehow, you feel miles apart. Emotional neglect in marriage doesn’t always look volatile or indifferent. Sometimes, it’s simply the absence of connection. You might recognize it as a slow drift into parallel lives where real conversations are replaced with logistics and routines. Your partner isn’t unkind. They aren’t cruel. But something is missing, and you feel lonely.
Emotional neglect is rarely intentional. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t always easy to spot. Life gets busy. Stress takes over. The small moments that once made you feel close start slipping away, and before you know it, your marriage feels more like a partnership than a place of emotional safety.
If you feel this way, you’re not alone. Many couples go through seasons of emotional disconnection—even when they still love each other. Luckily, disconnection doesn’t have to be permanent. You can find your way back to each other and rebuild the emotional intimacy that’s missing right now. It all starts with understanding how emotional neglect happens in the first place.
How Emotional Neglect in Marriage Happens
It is typically the result of a lack of awareness not a lack of love. Life’s daily demands, things like work, children, and household tasks, consume attention. When this happens, it’s easy to believe there’s no energy left for meaningful connection. As time goes on, these small moments of disconnection add up and spouses drift further and further apart.
Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of recognizing and responding to “bids for connection.” These are subtle attempts by your partner for attention, affirmation, or affection, like a smile, a question, or a touch. When these bids are ignored or dismissed, the emotional bond weakens. The important thing to notice here is that connection can happen through little things that take little time and energy.
Similarly, Esther Perel highlights that emotional neglect can also happen when a relationship becomes overly predictable. Here the marital dynamic shifts from one of curiosity and engagement to simply coexistence. The result is that spouses feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued.
It’s patterns that cause emotional neglect in marriage. It’s not caused by just one event, but a series of missed opportunities for connection. When you recognize and address these bids for attention in the moment, you can begin rebuilding connection and intimacy.
How Emotional Neglect Impacts a Marriage
Because it’s so subtle, you probably don’t identify the emotional neglect for what it is. At first, emotional neglect feels like an occasional emptiness—a loneliness that comes and goes. But over time, it changes the way you see yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
You might catch yourself avoiding deep conversations because they no longer feel safe or fulfilling. Vulnerability starts to feel like a risk rather than an invitation. Instead of turning to your spouse for support, you turn inward, choosing self-reliance over disappointment.
The longer emotional neglect lingers, the more resentment builds. One or both partners may start feeling unappreciated, unseen, or even taken for granted. Gottman’s research shows that when emotional bids are consistently ignored, couples stop reaching toward each other. Instead, they start turning away, creating even more distance.
In some cases, the disconnect leads to emotional numbness. The love is still there, but it feels buried under layers of routine, silence, and unmet needs. Left unaddressed, this emotional gap can make partners more susceptible to seeking validation elsewhere—whether through work, friendships, hobbies or even infidelity.
But emotional neglect doesn’t have to define your marriage. Recognizing its impact can be the first step toward rebuilding connection and trust.
How to Heal Together
You can’t ignore emotional neglect away. You’ve both got to be willing to reconnect and put in the effort to rebuild your relationship. Luckily, it only takes small, intentional changes to make a big difference. Consider the following steps to help you and your spouse heal the emotional neglect in your marriage.
- Recognize the Patterns Without Blame
Begin by identifying the habits and routines that contributed to emotional neglect. Be curious about how this happened instead of looking to assign blame. Discuss how daily life, stressors, or misunderstandings may have created distance between you. - Turn Toward Each Other
Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of responding to your spouse’s “bids for connection.” These are attempts to seek attention, affirmation, or affection. By acknowledging and engaging with these bids, you strengthen your emotional bond.
For example, if your spouse shares a personal story or seeks your opinion, actively listen and respond with interest. - Schedule Regular Emotional Check-Ins
Dedicate time to discuss your feelings, experiences, and concerns. This practice fosters open communication and ensures that you each feel heard and valued. It can be as simple as setting aside 15 minutes each evening to talk without distractions. - Rekindle Curiosity and Novelty
Esther Perel suggests that introducing novelty and curiosity can revitalize a relationship. Engage in new activities together, ask open-ended questions, and explore shared interests to rediscover each other. This approach can help break the monotony and reignite emotional intimacy. - Practice Small Acts of Kindness
Simple gestures, such as expressing appreciation, giving compliments, or offering a comforting touch, can significantly impact your connection. These acts demonstrate care and reinforce your commitment to each other.
Rebuilding emotional intimacy is a gradual process. It will require patience, consistency, and mutual effort to strengthen your marriage and erase the pain of emotional neglect.
Final Thoughts
Every relationship goes through times of disconnection. What matters is how you choose to respond. By turning toward each other, prioritizing emotional intimacy, and making space for real connection, you can rebuild the closeness that might feel lost right now. And who knows? You might even create a stronger bond than the one you had before.
