Should You Expect and Accept A Boring Sex Life In Your Long-Term Marriage?

Many couples experience a slowdown in their sex lives. Spontaneity and excitement fade into routine and predictable encounters – in other words a boring sex life. Sound familiar?  Losing this important way you used to connect with your spouse is disheartening and concerning.

But this does not mean a boring sex life is your new reality. You and your spouse can reconnect, reignite, and bring the excitement back to your relationship.

Why Does a “Boring Sex Life” Happen?

A boring sex life doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It is usually the result of gradual shifts.

One of the most common reasons things become boring in the bedroom is the natural shift from novelty to routine. In a new relationship, everything is fresh and exciting.

As a relationship grows and deepens, what was once new is now known. You start to fall into predictable patterns in all facets of your life together. Although comfort and familiarity are important for a relationship, they can also make sex feel repetitive and uninspired.

Busy schedules, demanding careers, and the constant need to balance family life can leave little time or energy for intimacy. If you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, it’s very easy to push aside sex.

However, this is a slippery slope. If you frequently pass on sex, this will lead to less enthusiastic encounters. And less enthusiastic encounters make sex more and more boring. It’s a vicious cycle.

Sex is also about more than simply physical intimacy. It’s also about emotional intimacy. Without a meaningful physical connection, the stress and tension you feel as an individual can creep into the relationship and create distance. This emotional distance makes your physical connection feel less meaningful or even mechanical. But the good news is once you recognize the cycle, you can break it.

In fact, relationship expert John Gottman has found that when couples struggle to stay emotionally connected, their sex life often suffers.

The Risk of Accepting a Boring Sex Life

With all that it takes to juggle work, kids, and life in general, you might be tempted to rationalize that intimacy is just not as important as it used to be. However, you would be lying to yourself because the true cost of a boring sex life could be your relationship.  

When you and your spouse deprioritize your physical connection, you create emotional distance between you. The longer it goes on, the more distance is created. At some point, this distance will lead to feelings of loneliness.

A boring sex life can also lead to resentment. If you have ever wanted more intimacy while your spouse seems indifferent, you know how frustrating that can be. When this frustration remains ignored, it will likely lead to passive-aggressive behaviors that will erode your relationship.

There’s another huge risk for simply accepting a boring sex life – low self-esteem. Feeling valued and attractive to your partner is part of how we feel good about ourselves. Without a healthy sex life, it’s normal to question your desirability. When one or both of you experience decreased self-esteem, it can spill over into other areas of the relationship and create additional issues.

Finally, ignoring a boring sex life will limit the potential for a deeper connection and growth with your spouse. Without sexual intimacy, your entire marriage can begin to feel stale.

This does not mean you must always have an exciting, vibrant sex life. You just need to prioritize intimacy in some form to help you and your spouse stay connected.

How to Reignite Passion

Luckily, there are plenty of ways to reconnect and bring the excitement back to your marriage.

1. Begin with Communication

   It might sound cliché or trite, but open, honest communication is a great place to start. Although it might feel awkward at first, you need to talk about your sex life.
   
   You will want to start by sharing your feelings in a non-confrontational way by using “I” statements and focusing on what you would like to have more of. For example, you might try, “I miss the connection we had when we had sex more frequently,” instead of “We never have sex anymore.”
   
   If it feels too difficult to talk with your spouse about your boring sex life, it might be helpful to work with a relationship coach. They are experts at helping couples communicate and find solutions to their challenges.
   
   

2. Make Time for Intimacy

   It might not sound sexy initially, but scheduling time for intimacy can help create anticipation and excitement. It’s like making a date with the hope of getting lucky instead of setting a rigid appointment.
   
   Think of it as dating your spouse again. You are creating opportunities for closeness and undivided attention without the pressure of sex having to happen every single time you spend time together.
   
   

3. Explore New Ways to Connect

   One reason for a boring sex life is routine. Doing the same things in the same ways again and again will become boring – no matter what we’re talking about.
   
   You need to break out of the expected routines and try something new together. It could be something new in the bedroom (or kitchen or wherever), but it could also be any new experience. Maybe you could take a dance class together or go hiking or travel. The goal is to bring some new energy to your relationship.
   
   And if all of this is just too far outside of your comfort zone, you can start more slowly. Think of ways to get more physical connection between you and your spouse. Things like holding hands, cuddling, or kindly caressing your spouse’s back as you walk behind them in the kitchen can all help build the trust and comfort necessary to reconnect sexually.
   
   

4. Welcome Vulnerability

   Intimacy isn’t just about being physical. Intimacy is also about being emotionally connected.
   
   Think back to the early days of your relationship. You probably spent hours talking and learning about each other’s thoughts, feelings, fears, desires, and even fantasies.
   
   No one can completely turn back the clock, but you can certainly start shifting your relationship to allow emotional vulnerability again. You can even start by sharing something about your day or asking your spouse how they have been feeling about your relationship.  
   
   

5. Seek Professional Support

   Sometimes, it’s very difficult to break old patterns. This is where couples counseling or a private, marriage counseling retreat, can be invaluable.
   
   Professional support can give you the personalized support and guidance you and your spouse need to reconnect, address underlying issues, and develop strategies to maintain a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
   
   

As you can see by this list, breaking out of the boring sex-life rut does not require anything extravagant. It just requires small, consistent, and intentional efforts to transform your relationship.

Consider this. Life is always changing. We each have a choice to either let things drift along or to take the actions necessary to direct our lives in the direction we want them to change.

If your marriage and sex life have become boring, you now have the tools to begin changing your situation for the better. So, no, you do not have to expect and accept a boring sex life in your long-term marriage. But you will have to invest your time and energy to change the status quo.