I Can’t Talk To My Husband About My Feelings? What Should I Do?

When you feel you just can’t talk to your husband about your feelings, it’s hard to be you or feel whole. It can seem as if every time you try to talk with him, the words get stuck in your throat, or the conversation doesn’t go the way you hoped.

You’re definitely not alone. Many find it challenging to open up about their emotions, especially with the person who matters most to them.

When you can’t share your feelings, you might feel isolated, misunderstood, or even resentful.

It’s a tough spot to be in. Open and honest communication is necessary for a healthy relationship. So, when your communication with your husband breaks down, it can feel as if there is a wall between you.

What do you do when you can’t talk to your husband about your feelings?

How do you bridge that gap and start having meaningful conversations?

Understanding the Communication Barrier

Not being able to talk to your husband about your feelings can create a huge strain on your relationship. Before you can remove the wall that has built up between you, you need to understand what is at the root of your discomfort.

There are several common reasons spouses feel unable to share their feelings.

Fear of conflict or rejection is one of the most common. This can show up as worry that expressing your feelings will lead to an argument or that your husband will dismiss or reject what you say. It makes sense that this would make it difficult to talk to him about your feelings.

If your fear is based on past attempts to communicate your feelings that have resulted in misunderstandings or negative outcomes, it might be difficult to even consider trying again. That is because past experiences like these can create a pattern of avoidance.

Another issue that can contribute to not being able to talk with your husband about your feelings is different communication styles. For example, you might be more emotional and expressive, while he might be more reserved or logical. These differences can make it especially difficult to understand each other’s perspectives.

Some mistakenly believe that understanding the root cause is all they need to do. Now that they have a glimpse of what is going on they choose to accept the status quo instead of putting in the work to fix things.

However, if you choose the status quo, you are setting yourself up for other problems. Not being able to talk about your feelings can negatively impact your mental and emotional well-being. After all, you have been feeling isolated, misunderstood, and resentful. Is that really how you want to continue feeling? I doubt it.

Bottling up your emotions usually leads to increased anxiety and stress. Constantly worrying about how your husband will react or how to express yourself can take a large toll on your mental health.

Feeling isolated in your marriage, and unable to openly communicate with your husband will erode your marriage.

Preparing to Share Your Emotions

Talking with your husband about your feelings will take more than screwing up your courage. You need to reflect on your experience to gain clarity. Without clarity, it’s likely any conversation will result in more frustration and misunderstanding.

You might want to begin with understanding what you are truly feeling and why. Here are some questions you can consider:

Are you upset because you feel neglected?

Are you feeling insecure about something?

Do you feel disconnected?

When you are clear about your emotions it will be easier to communicate them to your husband.

For many, journaling is useful for exploring their thoughts and emotions. Others find it helpful to talk with a therapist or a relationship coach who specializes in communication to explore their thoughts and emotions. There is no one right way to gain the clarity necessary. So, you may need to experiment to see what works best for you.

After understanding your emotions around your inability to talk to your husband about your feelings, you need to consider your goals for the conversation. In other words, what do you hope to achieve by talking to your husband?

Maybe you need him to understand your perspective, change a specific behavior, or offer advice. Whatever it is, you need to set realistic expectations. Big changes rarely happen from just one conversation. Think about how you can make progress instead of immediately regaining the ability to honestly and openly communicate.  

The next step is to think about how your husband might react and how you will respond. Consider three different possibilities – the best outcome, the worst outcome, and the most likely outcome. By knowing the full range of outcomes, you will be more able to stay calm and focused even if things don’t go as planned.

This preparation to talk with your husband about your feelings will increase the chances of a productive conversation. That is because you have reduced your stress about it. When you can approach the topic of your emotions from a calmer space, your husband will naturally be less on edge too. 

Setting the Stage for a Productive Conversation

Now that you have an idea of what you will be saying and how you will be saying it, the next step is to create a safe environment where open communication can happen. This means you need to be intentional about the timing, setting, and tone of the conversation.

Since this is a sensitive topic, picking the right time to talk about your feelings is critical. Choose a time when neither of you is distracted, stressed, or tired.

The setting is also important. Choose a place where both of you feel comfortable and relaxed. It might be a quiet, private space in your home or a peaceful outdoor setting.

A calm setting will make it easier for you both to focus on the conversation. However, you may also want to consider turning your electronics off and minimizing the chance of any other interruptions.

In addition to a calm setting, your intention for the conversation must be peaceful to build trust in your desire for open communication. So, decide to be non-judgmental and supportive throughout the conversation.

If your goals are to express your feelings and listen to your husband’s perspective without jumping to conclusions or reacting defensively, “I” statements can be incredibly powerful.

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I try to share my thoughts and emotions.” This puts your feelings front and center instead of blaming your husband for his behavior. By using this approach, your husband is less likely to become defensive.

Keep in mind that this conversation is not a one-way street. You will also need to acknowledge your husband’s feelings and responses. When you let your husband know his thoughts and emotions are important to you, he is more likely to be open and responsive.

Should You Seek Professional Help?

If you’ve tried to improve communication with your husband but still find talking to him about your feelings difficult, it might be time to consider getting help. Couples counseling, communication coaching, or a private marriage counseling retreat can each be beneficial in breaking through the communication barrier.

If going as a couple to work on your communication is not something you’re ready to consider, you can continue tweaking your communication with your husband using the information above.

Regardless of the path you take, removing the communication barrier will likely be difficult and you may still feel isolated and misunderstood for a time. However, you do not have to settle for a marriage in which you feel you can’t talk to your husband about your feelings. You can change the dynamic and create a relationship in which you and your husband feel heard, understood, and even closer than you have in a long time. It will require effort and patience, but it is very possible.

Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.