Can You Fall Back in Love with Your Spouse? Here’s How to Start
Remember when loving your spouse felt effortless? You laughed together, talked for hours, and felt truly seen. But now? The distance between you is palpable. Your conversations revolve around schedules and responsibilities, or—worse—don’t happen at all. You might still care deeply, but you’re left wondering how to fall back in love with your spouse when things feel so different from that now.
After years together, many couples feel more like roommates than partners. But that does not mean you have to accept this as your new normal. Fortunately, love isn’t something you either have or lose. It’s something you nurture.
No matter how disconnected you feel today, it’s possible to rebuild intimacy, trust, and that deep sense of us again.
So, how do you turn things around?
You begin by understanding how you got here.
Why Do Couples Drift Apart?
No one wakes up one morning and suddenly feels disconnected from their spouse. It happens slowly, almost invisibly.
At first, it’s just a missed goodnight kiss, a conversation cut short by exhaustion, or a date night postponed “until things settle down.” But before you know it, the closeness you once shared feels like a distant memory.
Some of the reasons—or excuses, depending on your point of view, for this slow drift apart include:
Life is too busy.
Work, kids, finances, and daily responsibilities take over. Your marriage moves to the back burner—not intentionally, but because there’s always something more urgent demanding attention.Communication shifts from deep to practical.
Conversations that used to be filled with dreams, laughter, and curiosity turn into logistical checklists: Did you pay the bill? What time is the game? Don’t forget to grab milk.Unresolved issues create emotional distance.
Small disappointments and unspoken frustrations build up over time. Maybe you stopped voicing concerns because it felt like nothing would change. Maybe you’ve had the same argument so many times that you’ve both given up trying.Physical intimacy fades.
Not just sex—though that can decline too—but the everyday touches, the lingering hugs, the moments of warmth that used to come naturally. When physical closeness disappears, emotional connection often follows.You stop seeing each other the way you used to.
Over time, partners can begin to feel more like co-managers of a household than lovers. You get caught up in routines and stop noticing the person beside you—their thoughts and struggles, or the little quirks that once made you smile.
This kind of drift doesn’t mean love is gone. It just means it needs attention. Love doesn’t disappear, but it does need to be nurtured.
You might not have noticed exactly when the distance started creeping in, but you definitely feel it now. Since love can fade quietly over time, it makes sense it can be rebuilt the same way, too.
Right now, it might feel impossible. Maybe the distance between you feels too deep, or the hurt too heavy. Maybe you’re not even sure if your love can ever return.
Can You Really Fall Back in Love? (Yes, But It’s a Process.)
It’s easy to believe that once love fades, it’s gone forever. That if you no longer feel the excitement or connection you once had, your relationship is doomed to stay stuck in this distant, unfulfilling place. That falling back in love with your spouse is an exercise of futility.
But that’s not how love works.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, found that the strongest relationships aren’t the ones without conflict. They’re the ones where partners continue to turn toward each other’s bids for connection, even in the smallest ways. In his study, couples who remained married responded to each other’s attempts to connect 86% of the time, while those who eventually divorced averaged only 33%.
This tells us something important.
Love doesn’t happen to us—we create it through daily interactions.
Falling back in love doesn’t mean going back to how things were in the beginning. It means choosing to move forward together, intentionally rebuilding trust, intimacy, and connection in ways that fit who you both are now.
So, what does that look like in real life? How do you fall back in love with your spouse when things feel distant and strained?
How to Fall Back in Love with Your Spouse
You begin with the intention of creating a loving relationship moment by moment, through how you see each other, speak to each other, and show up for each other.
There’s no need for sweeping romantic gestures or big, dramatic changes. The strongest connections are rebuilt in the small, everyday moments—where you start to notice each other again, listen differently, and bring curiosity back into the relationship.
Here’s where to start:
Break the Routine
It’s normal to fall into a rhythm together, but when things become too predictable it’s easy to stop paying attention to each other. If everything feels the same, try shaking things up.
Do something you’ve never done together before. It doesn’t have to be big—just different. Cook a new recipe, take a different route on your evening walk, or swap responsibilities for a day. Even the smallest change can help you see and appreciate each other in a new way.
Little surprises go a long way, too. A simple note left on the counter, an unexpected hug, or sending a text during the day to say, “Thinking about you,” can make your spouse feel seen again.Change the Way You Communicate
When was the last time you talked about something that wasn’t logistics? It’s easy to slip into conversations that sound like business meetings.
Instead of asking, “How was your day?” try something deeper. Ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’re happily anticipating?” Then, listen—truly listen. Put your phone down. Make eye contact. Respond in a way that shows you care.
If you’re worried your conversations are currently too strained for this to work for you, start small. Talk about something lighthearted, share a memory, or laugh about something ridiculous. The goal is to enjoy talking to each other again. The deep heart-to-heart conversations will come.Bring Back Physical Affection
One of the fastest ways to fall back in love with your spouse is through physical touch. But if intimacy has faded, it might feel unnatural at first. So, you will want to start small and keep it pressure-free.
You might want to try holding your hugs for a few extra seconds, letting your hand linger on their back as you walk by, sitting closer on the couch instead of on opposite sides, or holding hands in the car. These tiny gestures naturally rebuild closeness instead of forcing it.Look for the Good Again
It’s easy to focus on what’s missing. But sometimes, love gets buried under layers of stress and routine, because we stopped looking for it.
Pay attention to what your spouse is doing right. Notice their kindness, their effort, and the little things they do without being asked. When you see something you appreciate, tell them. Gratitude shifts your mindset and helps you see them in a more positive light.
And, if frustration creeps in, ask yourself, Would this bother me as much if we were in a better place? A shift in perspective can change everything.Know When to Ask for Help
Some couples can find their way back on their own, while others need a little support. There’s no shame in needing help.
If every conversation turns into an argument, if resentment has built up, or if you’re both willing to try but feel stuck, consider relationship coaching or a private couples counseling retreat. Sometimes, a fresh perspective is exactly what you need to break old patterns and bring you back together.
Falling back in love with your spouse probably won’t happen all at once.
It will likely happen as you notice each other and make the small, deliberate choices every day to turn toward instead of away from one another.
It can start with one moment, one conversation, one act of kindness. As those single events build, so does the love you’ve been missing.
You don’t have to have it all figured out today. You only have to begin.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
